By Faith Leong

23

We are at East Coast Park, where once you took me to watch the sunset while Mum prepared dinner at home.

This was our weekly routine: the waves licking our feet; the warm glow of the sun turning the sea into a carpet of floating diamonds; the race back to our white Toyota hatchback.

Now, as the photographer gestures for us to stand closer, I feel the folds of my convocation gown in the wind, and Mum slips her hands through mine. I wrap my hand around your watch from 20 years ago.

I hope you're proud of me, Dad.

7

The first day of primary school.

Water bottle – checked.
Exercise books – checked.
Pencil box – checked.
Lunchbox – checked.

As we near the school gates, a million questions flood my mind. From afar, I see girls like myself in white blouses and blue pinafores on which is embroidered the school crest. Will I have friends? Will my teachers like me? Who will sit with me during recess?

My tummy feels funny and I tighten my grip around Mum's hand.

"Remember, Dad always said you must be brave," she says.

I look up, smile, wave and run into the sea of blue.

16

Mark and I are on the bus to visit you.

I try to keep my eyes away from him as I see him dozing off.

Each time the sleeves of our uniforms brush against one another, I wonder if I should have placed the box file between us. Mum doesn't like us going out together.

Then, the bus makes a turn and I feel the weight of his sleeping head on my shoulders, the musky smell of his hair spinning wildly out of control within me. I remember that scent. It was yours too.

Dad, please say you'll like him.

4

April 4, 1994. Today I turn four.

On the table is my favourite pandan cream cake.

A layer of glistening green buttercream surrounded by little balls of ondeh ondeh drenched in golden brown gula melaka syrup topped with a thick layer of desiccated coconut. I cannot resist pressing my finger down.

Lines, like the shape of a shoe print in fresh clean snow, appear.

"Si-wen, Make a wish!"

I shut my eyes. I hope that you and Mum will always celebrate my birthday with me.

Later, as Mum slices the cake, I remind her to leave a piece for you.

28

Can you see us now?

Mark is standing at the altar which looks out to the lake. In a while, I will walk down the aisle to the man I will vow to love all my life, in sickness and in health.

Mum told me you brought her here for your honeymoon. She says nothing has changed.

You made a promise 30 years ago, to love and to cherish. There is never a day where Mum stops thinking of you. Do you think of us too?

A drop of rain falls on my arm.

I will always love you, Dad.

_____